The transcript to that one episode of SpongeBob where he gets a splinter


 * [The episode starts at the Krusty Krab; SpongeBob counts down the seconds remaining on his watch as Mr. Krabs prepares to unlock the door]
 * SpongeBob: 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, whoa! Open for business!
 * Squidward: Yeah, whoo.
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, can I do it today? Huh? Can I? Can I do it?
 * Mr. Krabs: [laughs] I suppose you can have the honor today, lad.
 * [SpongeBob turns the closed sign to open and laughs and whoops]
 * Squidward: [counting money] 37... 38... [SpongeBob steps on Squidward's face causing it to get stuck in the register, takes a key, opens up his pants, pulls out out a container, opens it, pulls off the plastic wrap, revealing lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese]
 * SpongeBob: Freshness, check. Buns, check. [throws the buns on the table with his butt] Fresh patties. [throws spatula into the freezer. It spins around and takes a stack of patties back to him] Check. [flips the patties on the table]Oh, silly me, I'm forgetting one more minor detail. [squeezes his hat out of his head] Oh, yeah. Is it getting hot in here? [laughs] Or is it just you? [points to the grill. His eyelashes burn off] Ah! [takes an order off the line and reads it] "Two Krabby Patties. P.S., SpongeBob, you're an idiot. Love, Squidward." Aw, love you, too, Squiddy. Two Krabby Patties, coming right up! [twirls Spat] Whoa! [it gets stuck on the ceiling. He tries jumping for it] Hmm. [cuts to a scene where a pile of stuff is stacked up to the ceiling. He tries to reach it, but it is unsuccessful. Suddenly, some jars of tartar sauce from the pile break causing swords and scissors to fall. Meanwhile, SpongeBob goes up to the ceiling and reaches for Spat. He takes it off by putting his hands on his hips but he doesn't know it] Whew, this thing is stuck pretty good. [puts it back in. He gets it out of the ceiling but then he accidentally falls and is about to land the swords and scissors] Whoa! [screams] I guess this is it. [he is saved by Spat, who gets stuck on a single sword. It slides off the sword and SpongeBob gets on the ground safely] Oh, you really saved me! [slips on some tartar sauce, which results in his finger getting run down on a splinter in slow-motion] Whooooaaaa! Hey, a splinter. Okay, well, it's been nice knowing you but you have got to go. Now. Okay, out we go. [he cannot take it off] Oh, that kinda hurts. Come on. Ooh, that really hurts. Oh, barnacles, this hurts! Conch-shelled manatees, this is painful! [tries to use Spat to take it off but fails] [ screams and pants] Okay, you're tough, you're smart, and you're charming, but you are still no match for me! Look! A bald eagle with a mustache! [tries to pull it off with his teeth, but his face skin rips off revealing his skeleton] Okay, fine, stay. But I hope you like making Krabby Patties.
 * Nat: [talking to Squidward] Excuse me, sir, but, um, I ordered a couple Krabby Patties a while ago, and I'm wondering when they'll be out.
 * Squidward: ["crushes" Nat's face with his tentacle and laughs] Looks like I'm crushing your face. [laughs]
 * Peterson: So, will they be ready soon?
 * Squidward: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't move too much, it ruins it.
 * SpongeBob: [gets a crumpled note thrown at him. He tries to hold Spat, but the splinter prevents him] Ow. Ow. Ow. You're making this a little bit difficult. Luckily, I am ambidextrous! [presses a button on Spat. A string comes out, and he ties the spatula to his nose. He puts two spatulas on the grill using his spatula and flips them, then he picks up one of the cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce with his three good fingers. He throws them up in the air and holds up a plate with a patty on a bun on it and the cheese, tomato, and lettuce fall on it. He puts the other bun on top with his pinky] Perfection! [puts the Krabby Patties on the window desk and dings the serving bell four times. Before he can ring it a fifth time, Squidward puts his hand on it]
 * Squidward: I hear you! I hear you!
 * SpongeBob: [faces Squidward, causing his spatula to go in his eyes] Okay, good, 'cause these two Krabby Patties are ready!
 * Squidward: [growls and goes in the kitchen] SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Yes?
 * Squidward: Can I ask you something?
 * SpongeBob: Yes.
 * Squidward: [smiling with a calm, relaxed voice] What's that? [pointing to the spatula tied to SpongeBob's nose]
 * SpongeBob: What's what?
 * Squidward: You know. [flicks the spatula]
 * SpongeBob: Know what?
 * Squidward: This.
 * SpongeBob: What?
 * Squidward: This thing here.
 * SpongeBob: What thing where?
 * Squidward: The spatula [shouting] tied to your nose!
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] This! Well, you see, this got stuck up there [points to the ceiling but hits Squidward in the nose] so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it. I reached the grip [holds out his hand but pushes Squidward to the ground] and I got it but then I fell and I screamed! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter... Squidward? Squidward, were you listening at all? [shows Squidward the splinter] I got this really bad splinter, you see? [some pus falls from the splinter into Squidward's left eye] And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. [Squidward gets up]Makes sense now, huh?
 * Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit. [growls and walks away]
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] Good one, Squiddy.
 * Squidward: [grumbles] Injury. Your brain is injured! [stops and gets an idea] Wait a minute. Did you say that you got that splinter injury at work?
 * SpongeBob: Yeah.
 * Squidward: Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. That's not good.
 * SpongeBob: I know, it hurts so bad.
 * Squidward: Yeah, when Mr. Krabs finds out, oh, man.
 * SpongeBob: Finds out what?
 * Squidward: Finds out about this injury.
 * SpongeBob: You mean my splinter?
 * Squidward: He'll be forced to send you home.
 * SpongeBob: H-h-h-h-home? But I'm fine!
 * Squidward: Here, let me take this for you. [takes SpongeBob's hat and spatula]
 * SpongeBob: Why? Hey, wait, I'm fine!
 * Squidward: It was a good shift while it lasted. [walks into the bathroom. SpongeBob follows him]
 * SpongeBob: While it lasted? What are you doing? [both of them walk into a stall. Squidward flushes his hat and spatula down the toilet.] W... What are you...?
 * Squidward: I know it's hard to say goodbye.
 * SpongeBob: But, but, but, Squidward, I'm fine! [starts tap dancing] I'm fine! I'm OK! Look at me, nothing's wrong! See? See? [takes some toilet paper and wraps it around his splinter] See? See?
 * Squidward: Oh, I believe you, SpongeBob, but, unfortunately, [the toilet paper falls off] the rules clearly state that you must be sent home.
 * SpongeBob: No, anything but that. [goes onto Squidward] Please, Squidward, you can't let this happen! [cries] You can't let them force me away!
 * Squidward: Sorry, the rules are the rules. [SpongeBob continues crying as he clings onto Squidward, who goes into the kitchen] Yeah, it'll be pretty quiet around here with Mr. Krabs sending you home early and all. I just hope we'll make it through the whole rest of this day without you here. [smiles. SpongeBob takes deep breaths so hard that he blows air in his face]
 * SpongeBob: Please, Squidward! Don't tell Mr. Krabs!
 * Squidward: What? Me? Tell Mr. Krabs? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.
 * SpongeBob: Wew.
 * Squidward: Well, maybe.
 * SpongeBob: [screams and holds his heart emitting from his chest]
 * Squidward: I don't have to tell Mr. Krabs. [SpongeBob is relieved. Squidward leans close to his ear]Because he already knows. [SpongeBob's eyes open wide and his nose droops. Squidward grabs two pillows and places them over his ears, then SpongeBob screams so loudly that the sound waves blow Squidward out the front door, and he comes back in through the back door]
 * SpongeBob: He does?
 * Squidward: Oh, yeah. Mr. Krabs has preturnatural instincts when it comes to situations like this. It's almost as if when something's amiss in his restaurant... [leans close to SpongeBob] ...he can smell it.
 * [SpongeBob and Squidward look out the kitchen window at Mr. Krabs, who is sniffing around. Mr. Krabs smells Frankie's wallet, and two quarters get stuck in his nostrils]
 * Mr. Krabs: These quarters smell sad. You're not planning on getting a refill with them, are ya?!
 * Frankie: No, I wasn't. [slurps his drink and throws it on the ground and exits]
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] You're right, Squidward. I need help! [scene cuts to SpongeBob dialing a phone number] Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up. [Patrick answers but doesn't say anything. SpongeBob taps his foot while waiting] Patrick?
 * Patrick: Yeah?
 * SpongeBob: [sighs] Thank goodness you're there. I got a splinter on my thumb and...
 * Patrick: Mm-hmm. I see. Well, I'm pretty booked today, but I think I can fit you in.
 * SpongeBob: [opens the back door and sees Patrick sitting in the dumpster with the phone] Thanks, Patrick.
 * Patrick: No problem. [hangs up. He goes into the garbage and comes back up wearing a doctor outfit]
 * Patrick: [putting on gloves] You called the right person, Mr. SpongeBob. [grunts] Now, let's see where the problem's at. [grabs SpongeBob's leg and inspects it] Hmmm... interesting. [sniffs his leg]
 * SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick...
 * Patrick: [puts SpongeBob's foot in his mouth] Hmmm... interesting.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick? [Patrick licks SpongeBob's foot then gurgles and swishes it around like mouthwash]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, this isn't helping!
 * Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry. [pulls SpongeBob's foot out of his mouth] I didn't realize you were a doctor. Hmph!
 * SpongeBob: I'm not!
 * Patrick: Oh, but I'm sure you can figure it out with your 12 years of med school.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, you didn't go to med school.
 * Patrick: So?
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm sorry. I really need your help.
 * Patrick: Oh, no, no, it looks like you have things under control.
 * SpongeBob: Please, Patrick! I don't want to go home early! [cries]
 * Patrick: Okay. But we play by my rules, SquareBob. [SpongeBob smiles and nods. Patrick inspects SpongeBob's splinter with a magnifying glass] Well, here's your problem. Don't you worry, buddy. [takes out a huge wooden spike and a hammer] We're gonna make it go away.
 * SpongeBob: Phew, thanks, Patrick, you're a lifesaver. [Patrick places the spike on top of the splinter and lines up the hammer, then he slams the splinter further into SpongeBob's thumb] Ow! [his thumb swells up horrifically and grows ten times in size. Patrick is looking down at it. It reaches up to his face]
 * Patrick: There appears to be a little bit of swelling. [Patrick picks up a lump of trash] This garbage compress should help that go down. [Patrick drops the garbage on the swollen thumb. The garbage slides off of it and the area where the splinter is inserted fizzes a sickly green ooze and turns SpongeBob's thumb a dark purple] That doesn't look good. [Patrick's watch beeps] Yeah, but my shift is over. [takes off the outfit and puts his hat on] Call me in the morning... if you can still dial the phone. [walks away. SpongeBob walks back inside]
 * SpongeBob: Ah. [Mr. Krabs and Squidward are there. He gasps]
 * Mr. Krabs: What's that?
 * SpongeBob: What's what?
 * Mr. Krabs: Behind your back?
 * SpongeBob: You mean this? [pulls his splinter out from behind his back, but it is covered by his hat]
 * Mr. Krabs: Put your hat on, boy! Show some company pride!
 * SpongeBob: [puts his hat on] Heh, company pride, of course.
 * Mr. Krabs: Uh, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: Yes?
 * Mr. Krabs: Have you always had three legs?
 * SpongeBob: [SpongeBob has a sock and shoe covering his splintered thumb] Yes.
 * Mr. Krabs: [believing him] Interesting... Well, what's this about a splinter that Squidward's been telling me all about? [SpongeBob screams] All right, boy, let's see it. [SpongeBob whimpers] Come on, SpongeBob, it's just a little splinter. I mean, how bad could it...? [SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled center. His thumb is now red. Mr. Krabs gags] Oh, merciful Neptune! [Squidward moans and faints] Okay, no problem. No problem. [easily picks out the splinter. There is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti] Problem sol... [green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face. He takes out an umbrella as it dies down. There is a close-up of SpongeBob's free hand, bending his splinter-free thumb] Whew. For a second there, I thought I was gonna have to pay you workman's "compersation."
 * SpongeBob: What's worker's compensation?
 * Mr. Krabs: You know, when you get paid for sitting at home.
 * Squidward: [his eyes shoot open. He gets up] You mean I can get paid while I'm at home?
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah, what do ya think "compersation" stands for?
 * Squidward: [gets the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times]Ow!
 * Mr. Krabs: Uh, Squidward?
 * Squidward: [smashes the cash register on his head another two times then throws the cash register up into the air and gets crushed by it] Can I get my "compersation" now?
 * Mr. Krabs: No. Sorry, Squidward, your shift ended over two minutes ago.
 * [Squidward groans, then the episode ends]