Steamed Hams in the Style of Villainous

(Black Hat knocks on Dr. Flug's front door. Flug opens the door)


 * Black Hat: Well, Flug, I made it, despite the lack of directions.
 * Flug: Welcome, Black Hat. Are you prepared for an unforgettable luncheon?

(Black Hat walks into the dining room. Flug goes into the kitchen and opens the oven, only to notice that the oven is on fire)


 * Flug: Oh my gosh! My roast is ruined!

(Flug looks out the window, noticing a MacDonalds')


 * Flug: (Hmm... but what if I purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Yes, regrettable, but very good...)

(Flug is about to jump out the window, only for Black Hat to show up)


 * Black Hat: Flug! What are you doing?
 * Flug: Oh, Black Hat! I... was just doing isometric exercise on this windowsill. Care to join me?
 * Black Hat: No thank you. Come to think of it, why is smoke coming out of your oven?
 * Flug: Smoke? No, no, that's steam - from the steamed clams I'm making! Mmm-hmm, steamed clams...

(Black Hat goes back to the dining room. Flug jumps out the window, goes to MacDonalds', then comes back to the house with some hamburgers)


 * Flug: Here, Black Hat. Ready for some delicious hamburgers?
 * Black Hat: You said that you were making steamed clams.
 * Flug: Oh no, I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers.
 * Black Hat: You call hamburgers "steamed hams"?
 * Flug: Yes, it's a regional dialect.
 * Black Hat: Which reason exactly?
 * Flug: Hoshido.
 * Black Hat: Well, I'm from Nohr, and I haven't heard anyone use the phrase up to now...
 * Flug: Not in Nohr, no. It's a Vallite expression...
 * Black Hat: I see. (pause) You know, these burgers are quite similar to the ones from MacDonalds'...
 * Flug: Ah, no, they're patented paper-burgers. An old family recipe...
 * Black Hat: Old family recipe?
 * Flug: Yes.
 * Black Hat: For steamed hams?
 * Flug: Yes.
 * Black Hat: Not to mention, you call them "steamed hams" despite the fact that they've clearly been grilled?
 * Flug: Yes. (pause) Excuse me for one second...

(Flug goes into the kitchen, which is emitting a reddish-orange glow, then comes back out)


 * Flug: Well, that was wonderful. I'm exhausted...
 * Black Hat: Yes. Well, I think that I should- good lord! What is happening in there?
 * Flug: Nothing. Just the Aurora Borealis.
 * Black Hat: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localised entirely within your kitchen... may I see it?
 * Flug: No.

(the two exit the building)


 * Unknown: Flug! Your house has caught fire!
 * Flug: Oh, don't worry! It's just the Northern Lights in display!
 * Black Hat: Well, Flug, I will admit that you are an odd person... although you do steam a good ham.
 * Unknown: Help! Somebody help!