The transcript to that one episode of SpongeBob where Squidward gets head trauma


 * [The episode starts with Squidward listening to the radio.]
 * Narrator: [shown in Squidward’s bathroom] Feel droplets gently cascade over your body.
 * Squidward: [in the bathtub] Oh yeah...
 * Narrator: Visualize yourself in a private grotto. [Squidward visuializes himself in a resort-like tub] Focus your perceptions on the native fauna, and the soothing nature of their rustic calls. [a scallop laughs like Patrick]
 * Squidward: Huh?
 * Narrator: You are one with nature.
 * Squidward: Ahh... [scallops laugh like SpongeBob and Patrick, Squidward's fantasy sequence ends] What the—!? [SpongeBob and Patrick giggle, Squidward goes to the window] Barnacles!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick are playing with baby toys]
 * Patrick: How do you like that, baby?
 * SpongeBob: [laughs] Oh, yeah. Well, what do ya think about this, baby? [SpongeBob and Patrick laughs]
 * Squidward: Question. Are you two acting even more infantile than usual this morning?
 * SpongeBob: Uh-huh. ‘Cause I found a box of my old baby toys in the attic, and we're playing with them. [Squidward pulls down blinds] Hey! My old teddy walrus! This stuff really takes me back. [hugs teddy walrus]
 * Patrick: [sucks on pacifier] Yeah. it makes me feel baby-ish. Oh, Look at me I'm a baby. [sucks on thumb]
 * SpongeBob: [giggles] Babies don't talk like that, Patrick. They talk like... [SpongeBob and Patrick start talking baby talk. SpongeBob plays xylophone. Patrick plays with ring toss. SpongeBob plays with mallet and whistle. Patrick still plays with ring toss. SpongeBob and Patrick are both playing with baby toys. Squidward gets angry and walks out of his house naked]
 * Squidward: Just as the essential oils were kicking in. [SpongeBob and Patrick play on a scooter] Hey! I'd appreciate some quiet! [SpongeBob and Patrick scoot away] How dare you scoot away from me, I'm scolding here! [SpongeBob and Patrick play with a Jack-in-the-Box] Would you two for once, act your age! [Head from Jack-in-the-Box pops out; SpongeBob and Patrick cry] Fine! Act like infants your whole life! See if I care. I'm returning to my grown up lifestyle. So KEEP IT DOWN!!!! [slips on a toy boatmobile, gets his head stuck in a scooter and crashes into his mailbox]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! [Squidward's head swells up]
 * Patrick: Hey, he's mumblin' and droolin' like a little baby.
 * SpongeBob: Well, I don't know, Patrick. He isn't looking so good. He should probably see a doctor. Come on, let's take him to the hospital.
 * Patrick: Hang in there, buddy. We'll have you fixed up in no time. [SpongeBob and Patrick carry Squidward to the hospital]
 * Purple Doctorfish: Hmmm?
 * SpongeBob: So what's the prognosis, doctor?
 * Purple Doctorfish: Your friend has a condition known by the medical term of Head-go-boom-boom-itis. Not to worry, though, he should recover over normally over time, but he mustn't receive any more blows to the head or he may remain this way permanently. Just care for him as if he were your very own bouncy baby boy and he'll be fine. [cuts to SpongeBob's house]
 * Patrick: Hey, little Squidward. Ready to have some fun? Woop-ee-doo! [throws Squidward up to ceiling]
 * SpongeBob: Okay, Squiddy! Din din is ready. Where is our little miracle? [shows Squidward stuck in ceiling] Patrick, how could you! [climbs up Patrick and pulls Squidward out of ceiling] There, there! My little darling. We're supposed to protect his head, remember? [crashes top of high chair to Squidward's face]Okay, Squiddy! I made your favorite. Krill tartare with an algae vinaigrette. [puts food on Squidward's high chair] Here it comes, open wide! [Squidward rejects food] Come on, little buddy, you got eat healthy so you can grow up to be big and cranky. Just watch the airplane land in the hangar. [imitates airplane engine and sticks the spoon in Squidward's mouth] See, Patrick, sometimes you have to out-think the baby. [Squidward spits food at SpongeBob and throws plate] You know, Patrick, maybe we...
 * Patrick: [licks food off SpongeBob] Ahh, thanks for sharing, baby
 * SpongeBob: Okay. Time to lighten things up. Do you like games, Squiddy?
 * Patrick: Games? Games is our middle name!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick play Kelpy Cake. Squidward claps]
 * SpongeBob: You like that, Squiddy?
 * Patrick: He does. [SpongeBob and Patrick try to get Squidward to play Kelpy Cake. Squidward slaps SpongeBob and Patrick and throws them up]
 * SpongeBob: Ohh, this game's kinda dangerous. [Squidward crawls out door]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: Squiddy! [a truck goes towards Squidward and truck driver falls asleep] Squiddy. No!
 * Patrick: Don't worry. I got this. [lifts a pavement and truck flies away. He then sets down the pavement, and a fanfare plays]
 * SpongeBob: Hooray! [sees road landed on Squiddy’s head, gasps] Squidward! [Patrick lifts up the pavement] Squiddy, are you okay? [grabs Squidward. Patrick sets down the pavement] We need to do a better job of protecting him. [the truck crashes into Squidward's house. SpongeBob and Patrick put Squidward in a cage, and he cries]
 * SpongeBob: There, there now, no need to cry. [puts Squidward out of cage and tries to calm him down]
 * Patrick: Don't worry, he'll be settled down in couple of minutes. [He watches TV while SpongeBob carries Squidward, crying, SpongeBob goes to bed while he holds Squidward crying, SpongeBob takes a bath while Patrick holds him, then vice versa, SpongeBob holds him crying while Patrick puts on earplugs, then noise-canceling headphones. They eat while Squidward cries, Squidward eats and spits food out on them while crying, both of them are tired while Squidward is crying.]
 * Narrator: 72 hours later.
 * Mr. Krabs: It's one minute till opening. Where the barnacles are me employerees? I don't pay them to be late. [SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward appear, lightning flashes]
 * Patrick: Taking care of a baby sure is hard.
 * SpongeBob: You said it! I'm exhausted! Hey, Patrick. I have to go to work. Would you mind holding Squidw.... [Patrick falls asleep] I guess it's just you and me, little fella.
 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, Squidward, enough duff-dragging! Get to your stations, pronto!
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Squidward is in no condition to perform his Krusty duties. [turns around to show Mr. Krabs that Squidward is a baby. Squidward makes baby noises] The poor guy has the mind of an infant.
 * Mr. Krabs: I don't care if he has seaweed-for-brains. He needs to be behind that register. We've got customers out there just begging to hand me their money. [shows customers outside begging to come in with their money]
 * SpongeBob: But...
 * Mr. Krabs: No buts! Get to work, you two!
 * SpongeBob: [slams into the table and Squidward flies into his work station] All settled into your work station, I see. Maybe you're ready for your Krusty duties after all! Now let's make it official! [hands Squidward a hat, which he rejects] Oh, how silly of me! [grabs a high chair and picks up Squidward]Squiddy needs a high chair! [puts the high chair near the register and puts Squidward in it. Squidward bangs his head on the cash register] And duct tape! [duct-tapes Squidward to the chair and puts his hat on]Oh, Squiddy! I'm so proud of you! Just yesterday, you were drooling all over me! And look at you now, working and sitting in a big boy seat! [SpongeBob's eyes get full of tears]
 * Mr. Krabs: All right! That's enough, you two. Time to serve some customers! [customers race in to order]
 * SpongeBob: Remember, buddy! I'll be right behind you!
 * Billy: Can I get a Krabby Patty and a large kelp shake, please? [Squidward makes baby noises and hits his head with a rattle] Okay, how much do I owe ya? [Squidward drools, laughs and sucks on Billy's hand]
 * SpongeBob: [peeks his head out the kitchen window] Squidward! That's not for eating! [takes a napkin and polishes Billy's hand] There we are. Good as neww-! [Squidward sucks on Billy's head] That's not for eating either! [takes Squidward off Billy's head] Sorry, sir.
 * Mr. Krabs: Hop to it, boys. We haven't even taken our first order!
 * SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs. [hands Squidward a pencil and pad of paper] You know what to do. [Squidward grabs the pencil and paper and laughs, throwing the papers into the kitchen] Thanks, Squiddy. I can also count on, huh... [notices that Squidward doodled on the pieces of paper] Will this be for here or to goo? [peeks out the kitchen window, where Squidward is laughing and tossing the papers around] We have to work on your penmanship, Squiddy. [Squidward laughs and doodles on Nat's face]
 * Nat: My face! My face! Also my leg, but mostly my face!
 * Pilar: Hey! Are you going to take an order or what? [Squidward opens the register, hits his head and cries]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward! Yelling at a poor, defenseless baby! You oughta be ashamed!
 * Pilar: Listen, man! I'm done playing these baby games! [notices the stench of Squidward's rotten diaper]Oh, my Neptune! [Squidward continues to cry and notices his stinky diaper]
 * Customers: What is that? What is it?
 * Mr. Krabs: What in blazes is going on around he...... Whoa! Mr. Squidward! [Squidward bangs his head]Where are your manners?
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, watch his head!
 * Mr. Krabs: Watch his head? Why don't you watch his diaper? [SpongeBob notices Squidward's stinky diaper] And get it changed!
 * SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Yes, sir! [goes to a table to change the diaper, where customers are eating] Oh.
 * Fred: We're eating here!
 * SpongeBob: Sorry! [tries to change Squidward on the floor]
 * Customer: Hey, I'm trying to walk here!
 * SpongeBob: Sorry! [tries to change Squidward near the condiments]
 * Suzy Fish: [notices the dirty diaper and is disgusted] Hey, I was gonna get ketchup there!
 * SpongeBob: Sorry! [takes Squidward to the cash register to change him] Okay, Squiddy! Hold still! And, oh, boy!
 * Mr. Krabs: Are you out of your ever-living mind?! We can't change that baby out here in front of the customers! Take him in back where the food is prepared. [customers get disgusted and leave] Oh, that's it! Get that poopy baby out of me restaurant!
 * SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, if my poopy baby isn't welcome here, then I'm not staying either! [slips on Squidward's baby rattle and ends up in the kitchen, where he bangs Squidward's head on the frying pans and ice machine. Ice ends up on Squidward's head. SpongeBob gasps] Squidward! [Squidward turns back to normal]
 * Squidward: What the? Where am I? What's going on?
 * SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, you're back to your normal grown-up self.
 * Squidward: Of course I'm grown-up! Why wouldn't I be?! [notices he's wearing a diaper] Am I wearing a diaper?
 * SpongeBob: Yes.
 * Squidward: Is it full? [looks inside diaper and screams]
 * SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward! I was gonna change it, but I got in the wra... [Squidward puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth]
 * Squidward: Stop! Not another word about this! Ever!
 * SpongeBob: Kids, they grow up so fast.