User blog:Phantom R/...

You all may be wondering why I've been a rambunctious asshole recently, while trying to drown myself further down to the point of removing my own state of power.

Yeah I'm just a complaining whiny idiot. Before anyone blindly says anything to comfort me, I don't want your support, so don't give it to me. I already know what to expect coming from each and every one of you. I already have enough broken records screaming at me quotidianly.

The reason I've been acting like this is because I'm clearly a bipolar (or at least depressed) person. That's no secret, though I managed to beat that status for a while for about half a year. It just came rushing back. I always told myself I shouldn't fake happenis or it'd just come back around to hit me and put me in an even worse situation than before.

I still want you to shut up and wait to leave a comment.

Now, my natural pessimistic mindset isn't what's turned me into a whiny bitch.



Isolation
I may talk like I have quite a lot of friends. I sort of do. But that's just at school. I never spend time with them outside of school. It's just show up, laugh a little with them, come home, and straight to my room in all my lonesome. Even if I wanted to spend time with them, they're more like acquintances before anything else. I only spend time with just one of my friends outside of school and that's very rarely. I'm no priority to them either.

Before you bring up a certain significant other, I barely get to spend time with her at all. Doesn't even feel like we have much of a relationship going on.

As for my family, I'm not close to anybody in my family at all. I even avoid them by always staying in my room or always being outside on dumb lengthy repetitive walks.

I feel like I have literally no one in real life to turn to or talk to. Nobody to call up and spend time with I could talk to about serious matters. It sure as hell makes everything harder than it needs to be facing everythign alone. A moral I recently learned is that you can't go through life on all your own. That's exactly what I'm doing here though.

And no, don't say "but you have us!" it's nowhere near as the same.

Location Hell
Everything about where I live is awful. This town is a dull place. There's nothing lively or connected about it at all. If anything, it's just a place people drive through to get in and out of. All that's here is a couple of louzy gas stations, the expected schools, disgusting typical fast food places, a grocery store with nothing valuable, a goddamn Blockbusters (apparently some idiot bought out all the Blockbusters in Alaska and kept them going), a ridiculous pawn shop, expected post office, a couple of banks, a tourist shop, and a really bland as hell in-door pool. There's nothing of interest here. Nothing to enjoy here. No reason to come here. Nothing sticks out.

That's just this town though. A couple of cities in Alaska are decent. Maybe I'd be okay living in one of those towns. I'd definitely be a step up.

But the state in general is horrible. Other than dividend, there really are no pros to living in Alaska. During summer, it's too hot and the sky never goes dark. A summer night looks like it's in the middle of the day here. Meanwhile, in the unfunilly much emphasized winter side, it's too cold and the sky is ALWAYS dark, save for very little of the day that is mostly spent in school.

My house is also pretty bad. I can't comfortably spend time in my room, which is where I spend most of my time when I'm not out walking. I hate it here. It's such a small house it's almost inhuman to live here. It's the exact opposite of a good workplace. Even trivial things such as lighting gives me a big headache that prevents me from doing things I like such as reading, or simply working on schoolwork. Speaking of which, I'd like to get all my work done swifly while at school itself, but...

Anxiety
My anxiety is full of bullshit. I don't even know how to explain it. I hyperventilate while at school but I do it quietly so nobody can hear me. It's literally suffocating and struggling. I feel confined and trapped to my chair. When the teacher talks, or when it's time to work quietly. I also can't stand to sit down in a car for too long or I'll start to get the same problems. Even thinking about it can cause it and make me feel uneasy, to the point of where I feel like I'll have a heart attack - like right now. I'm breathing weird and jumping in my seat.

Obligatory School Mention
Schoowork. Do you expect me to deal with this when I have to deal with everything else? Above all that, I also have constant severe headaches for no apparent reason. Yes, I've had a doctor look into it. Yup, there's no explanation for something clearly wrong with me.

Myself
I feel like my body is decaying. I keep getting gradually more and more tired, no matter how much sleep I get, water I drink, or food I eat. I'm feeling more and more lightheaded as well, and topped with my anxiety that can make me feel dizzy, things get unbearably uncomfortable. I can't even separate anxiety dizziness from actual dizziness now.

Future
I have no idea where things are going but they aren't headed in a good place. I have no plans or ambititons, while everyone else around me seems to. Here am I, just wondering if I'll even live to fullfill any dreams I could ever come up with. Too bad I'm not talented in anything that matters. If I do something, somebody else - including you guys - will do it, and do it exceptionally better. I don't see a reason to try anything if it seems like it's for nothing and if someone can do it much better. Even when I feel like I have a shtick, something that stands out about me, it's not even something important. Something anyone else can do and proves to do better.

Lack of Concern
I just don't care about anything at this point. If I really am slowly dying, then I'm just waiting until I drop. I'm not brave enough to off myself, so I'll let my body do it for me.

...And Finally,


This is the tip of the iceberg. There's some stuff that's way too personal to mention that go well beyond what I'm willing to share with anyone.

Screw everything, I'm tackling all this crap one by one. The only way to take care of it all is to take out one thing that's connected to another, even if these are all problems that simultaneously persist me.

Also, I'm still leaving this site within the upcoming months. As soon as I finish that petty RPG of mine.