Sophie Rants: Amvest Video

Hello! Welcome to my first episode of Sophie Rants. In this series, I rant about things I personally dislike or hate. This week, we'll start off with an '80s video distributor from Rahway, New Jersey called Amvest Video. Without further ado, let's begin...

Now, gather round and let Miss Sophie tell you a story about this company.

It all began back in 1984, when Audiofidelity Records made shoddy records. They wanted to cash in on the success of Alvin and the Chipmunks by creating the Happy Chipmunks and featuring them in music albums with them singing Michael Jackson and Ghostbusters. It didn't take too long before Ross Bagdasarian, Jr. had a lawsuit against Audiofidelity, and thus the chipmunks turned into hamsters, yet they kept their appearances the same. If you're looking for the reason why it's shoddy, give this a listen:



Pretty below average in quality, don't you think?

Hold on tight, it's time to leap 3 years ahead!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!

Okay, it's now 1987, the year when Amvest Video was formed. It had two divisions: Kid Pics and Grampa's Sci-Fi Hits.

Kid Pics was a division notoriously dedicated to distributing public domain cartoons ranging from Disney to Warner Bros. that are on low-quality VHS tapes. Did I also mention that they didn't bother to label the tapes?! It's just very cheap, but its evidence of an obvious low budget doesn't stop here. The kicker? They were likely secondhand, so it's possible that there was bits and pieces of some super naughty stuff on one tape, if you know what I mean.

Then there's the cheap, unsurprisingly nerve-wracking logo. I swear they threw this together in 20 minutes. The logo's bland fade-in/fade-out effect and the typical kid-friendly lettering gives it more cheese than Kraft's macaroni products. As for the music, it sounds like the calliope is about to fing break. It must be seen to believe on how laughably corny it is:



On top of all that, though, there is one beast that frightened the living s out of many people who took their eyes on him. It's.......Happy!



The Happy Hamster unintentionally traumatized the unfortunate (whom I feel bad for). I thought Barney the Dinosaur and Cool Cat were creeps, but Happy is the real bottom of the barrel regarding terrifying body suit characters. Donning a red Michael Jackson suit, this hamster's voice and the fact that behind those red-tinted shades were eyes staring into the viewers' souls sets his level of uncanny to the max. In fact, he tried to lure kids into his own club with rewards if they join. It's no surprise that it failed, seeing as Amvest became defunct, but we'll get to that later.

How did Amvest respond to their lack of labels? Well, when they moved on to Grampa's Sci-Fi Hits, they added an ugly alien that appears to be flipping people off, apparently showing his hatred for Amvest. Now if only if that were the case.

On the subject of GSFH, they brought in Grampa from The Munsters to host a poor compilation of previews and trailers of old sci-fi and horror flicks.

Wait a minute, why is it called Grampa's Sci-Fi Hits when there's horror movies thrown in? I guess Amvest didn't think "Grampa's Thrilling Hits" was appropriate. Let's not forget that the back cover states that the films are "original". Bull! How the f are they original when they're basically trailers of pre-existing movies? It looks like Warner Bros. Animation isn't alone when lying about their products being original.

Oh, and why would they get a licensed character because they couldn't think of, let alone create, an original host for the division? To me, this is not only wasted potential (if there is any), but it's more proof that Amvest was as cheap as, if not cheaper than Video Brínquedo. Besides, I feel very, very sorry for Al Lewis for being dragged into this sy company. If they made an original host for the division, then he would've been saved from the cesspool.

After that, Amvest Video luckily closed its doors in 1990 due to apparent failure. It goes to show that a lacking amount of effort in products can get a company to decline or even be swept away from the business field. Since it closed, I must say good, or better yet, GREAT riddance!

And there you have it, Amvest Video, a low-budget company that can't distribute old cartoons and snippets of movies for s. I'd like to give really big thanks to Ben of Oddity Archive for getting me into going over Amvest Video. Speaking of which, did you know that I LOVE Oddity Archive? Yeah. I watched a handful of the series on YouTube. Tell me what you think of my first ever rant. Of course, this isn't really gonna be the best one, as I'm constantly improving and the like.