The entire script to Barnyard

Barnyard script All right, now. I'm just heading to the fields, Duke. I'll be back. Clear! Hey, Jerry, how's your mama? Oh, yeah, it's a beautiful day. Well, time to go to work. Morning, Ben. Thanks, Miles. Let me know if you see Otis. I'm staying out of that one. -Okay, meeting's in five minutes. -Okay, boss. And I want everyone present. Duke, have you seen Otis? Nope, I haven't seen him. Now where was l? Oh, oh, yeah. The Jersey cows. -Hey, Benny boy. -Hi. Hey, you seen Otis around? Yes, I know exactly where Otis is. You boys just steer clear of Otis, all right? Anything you say there, Ben. We'll take a rain check on the meeting, though. -Yeah, rain check. -Yeah, that. Check. Hey. Hey, I stepped in something. What's on my hoof? Etta? -Otis? -Oh, Ben, don't worry. I'm sure he's heading for the meeting right now. Okay, let go. Let go. I got it. -He said, "Let go." -All right. He's okay. All right, boys, here's the dealio. It's a little creation of mine I like to call "hill surfing." -Watch your hoof. -I'll spot you. I'll spot you. Are you sure this is safe, Otis? Peck! Come on, safe? It's completely safe! Since when isn't surfing safe? He's got a point. Okay, salt lick. -It's go time! -I'll try it. I'm down. -Shotgun! -Piggyback! Never! You are all gonna die. -Freddy? -Nothing. Wait a second. Photo op. Okay, get together! -Hey, Pig? -What? -Where'd you get that apple? -This apple? Oh, well, it originally was attached to this. Otis? What? What? What happened? You know, it's times like this when I really like to say... Oh, caca! You didn't do that! Okay, okay! Look, this is bad enough! Please, no one scream, "Tree!" Tree! Let's surf! Hang on now, boys! Yeah! Hang hoof! Otis? Are we supposed to not yell, "Rock"? We got a gusher! Chicken farm! Oh, I get it. We can't yell "Tree" or "Rock", but you get to yell, "Chicken farm." Morning, everyone. Okay, before we get started, we have a birthday. Everett the dog turned 1 3 today. Boy, those dog years are rough, huh? Also, remember it's... Whassup? Hey, Pop. Look, I know you're probably looking for an explanation regarding the exploded chicken on me, and the sticky black... The oil stuff. You are gonna love this! I'll tell you... You the most, because you, my friend, are a laugher. And every... -Didn't we all know that? Right? -Just take a seat. I'll... I'll take a seat. Cool. Oh, sorry about that. Little tight. As I was saying, remember tonight at the hoedown, it's free cider night. Hey. Hey, Pig, I think there's a dead bee in your nostril. That's not dead. Okay, the first matter at hand: gray market goods. As if I needed to say it again. The purchase of human articles from the gopher underground is strictly prohibited. Hello, Moto! Hey, Otis. Yeah, listen, I think your Nikes are... Yeah, this really isn't the best time. Yeah, this really isn't the best time. Hang on a second. Frankie, come here. Frankie, come here. No, I'm not... Come here. I'm not gonna hurt you. Frankie, come here. I told you never to do that again, as long as I live! Now, put it over there! Now! Sorry about that. Frankie's out of hand. Oh, the Nikes. What's the make again? Yeah. Yeah, I really should go, Mr. Jordan Air. Wrong number. Thank you. Second item. Lest I remind you, this is coyote season. That's right. These are ruthless and desperate creatures. Rule number one: stay in groups. Rule number two: stay inside the perimeter of the fence at all times. And number three: be careful out there. Okay, let's hit it. And leaving quickly. Walking out. Walking out. Step, step, step wider... Otis, why don't you stick around for a minute? He's scary. Bye. Okay, Miles. What do you think? I think you're lucky. Most cows only have four hooves, but you're gonna have an extra one right up your... Okay, that's nice. Dad! -Sit. -And I'm sitting. Okay. First off, I don't even want to know who was on the other end of that phone. -lt was the gophers, wasn't it? -Well, l... No, I don't want to know. Was it the gophers? -Here's... -No, don't. I don't want to know. Why do you do this to me? How do you think that makes me look? So this... This is about you? Where were you this morning, Otis? I was having a little fun. I mean, you should try it. It starts with a smile, then slowly builds and... You promised to help me with the brush around the fence. You know it's coyote season. Geez, coyotes. I don't get it. What's the big deal? They're coyotes. Them tiny, us big! What are they gonna do? You have a lot to learn. And you know what, I don't get the fence thing. Really, it can't keep them out. That fence defines our space. And as long as I'm still kicking, no animal will be harmed inside that fence. Okay, that's what you do. You. Okay, if you're trying to groom me to be the big leader, just give it up. It's not me, Pop. I mean, if I were in charge, things would be different. Every animal for himself. That's the way it should be. Otis. A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others. Oh, shoot. You know, I forgot my pen. -And your shift tonight? -I'll be there. Otis, you're gonna have to grow up one day. You'll never be happy if you spend all your time goofing off. No? Just watch me. Manabunga! Freddy, is this great or what? Oh, yeah. I could just eat your head right off! I mean... You know, it's fun up here. Pip? I'd go with the wood on this one. That's what I'm talking about! Sweet mama! Hey, there's animals over there! Nice shoes. Oh, doctor! What a game we have here today! Yeah! He got the ball on the 30. He's down on the 20. Lifts it up... It's a touchdown! Yeah! Bacon! Hamburger! Chorizo! -Filet! -What are you doing? I'm naming the kinds of cuts of meat to the animal I'm jumping on. Machaca! Pork chops! Rump roast! You know what? You don't need to be doing this. Oaty-oaty! Oaty-oaty! Hi, Oaty. Hey, Maddie. Looking good over there. Chubba Face, you crazy cow. Say, "I'm smooshy." I am smooshy. Okay, now you. Say, "Boy, is it windy." Boy, is it windy. My turn, my turn. -Okay, chick. Just run along now. -Bye, Oaty. All righty. Hey, who is she? They just showed up. Farmer took them in. Thank you, Farmer. Yeah, something happened with their herd. They're the only two that made it. She needs a friend. Wait, wait, wait! Excuse me, but I couldn't help notice you over there. Hey! Oh, look at you. You're all... -Pregnant? -Yeah, sure. I mean... Really? 'Cause, I mean, it isn't that noticeable, you know. I mean, especially when you stand straight on, and you don't look at it. You know, when you turn to the side, it gets a little lumpy. I mean glowy. Glowy. It's a glow. I'm... I'm Otis. Back off, Daisy. There's an "L" on that boy's forehead. No, that's just me, the contortion mouse. C! X!  N!  -Q! -Oh, man, you're killing me, dude. Look, I just wanted to welcome you to the barnyard. I'm sure that you and your... Not looking. The key word, "not". Work with me. Not looking. This is my friend, Bessy. Yeah, she's a cupcake. -lt was nice to meet you, Otis. -Yeah, too you. You know what? Switch those. Oh, boy. There's nothing for you there, but I kind of like her friend. He's out! All clear! Sweet! Now, every heifer, every cow Hold tight to your udders now Farmer Brown is bedding down Let's turn this barn into funky town Chickens on the left Dance with your neighbor Hogs, don't slobber on the pool table Hogs, don't slobber on the pool table Try to go easy on the manure It's a dance floor, not a sewer Here we go, do-si-do Here we go, do-si-do Put this thing on hot! Better hold on tight When we go hitting the hay You better hold on tight and pray You better hold on tight When we go hitting the hay Darling, you better run 'Cause I won't hold back them horses Hitting the hay We'll go hitting the hay We will rumble and tumble Night and day Here we go again Come grab your friend Shake him up, shake him down Try to get a good blend Here we go, do-si-do Here we go -First you hold on tight -Hold on tight - Then you dance all night -Dance all night Hit the hay! Better hold on tight When we go hitting the hay You better hold on tight and pray You better hold on tight When we go hitting the hay Hitting the hay We'll go hitting the hay We will rumble and tumble Night and day We'll go hitting the hay We'll go hitting the hay With our backsides shaking We'll go hitting the hay Wow! This is amazing. What you looking at? What? You want some of this? Oh, yeah, I didn't think so. Sit right here, honey. The flowers are beautiful. See? On time, just like l... Right. Cramp! That's a cramp! Oh, it's cramping! And release. -Hello, Son. -Dad, I've been thinking, and I'm willing to accept your apology. -Really? -Sure. I mean, it's only right. I mean... Okay. I don't mean to let you down, Pop. I'm just out trying to have some fun. It's a beautiful night. I remember when I used to sit out here with your sister. -I don't have a sister. -Oh, yeah. That was you, wasn't it? Thank you, all right. So, are we okay? -We're okay. -Great. See, 'cause I wanted to ask you something. My friends are all going to the barn tonight, and not that it matters either way to me, but evidently, I'm needed. I'm a sort of an integral part of a musical number. Yeah, I tried to tell them no, you know? But they were just so... I told them, "My dad's not gonna wanna cover my shift.  "l mean, it's my shift, not his. It isn't his!" You know? "l don't want to be selfish. What's mine is mine, and..." What do you think?  Otis...  I never thought I was gonna amount to much.  I certainly didn't think I'd be in charge of anything.  But that all changed one day.  It was the day you showed up.  I head out into the meadow  and I see this little baby calf all alone,  stumbling around.  You know, before you became a nightmare.  Well, I took you home that night,  and I know it doesn't sound possible,  but I looked up into the sky  and I would have swore  I saw the stars dance.  At that moment, I knew my place was here,  taking care of things.  I guess you helped me realize that.  I love you, Son.  -You still want to go, don't you? -Yeah, I really do.  Not that your stuff... You know, the stuff you're saying isn't nifty and everything...  No one says "nifty".  I say "nifty." I do, and sometimes even "swifty." I'll say that.  Very impressive.  Go ahead, have fun. I'll cover your shift. Thanks, Pop. You're the best. -Otis? -Yeah? Be the stronger man. Yeah. Yeah, that's that saying thing, right? "A strong man stands up for himself. "A stronger man can bridge the gap between..."  Got it locked in the vault.  See? I learn.  Mr. Boombastic  What you want is a boombastic Romantic, fantastic lover  She call me Mr. Boombastic Say me fantastic  Touch me in me back She says I'm Mr. Romantic  Call me fantastic  Touch me in me back She says I'm Mr. Ro...  Smooth  Who's here? Moo! It's me! Moo!  Whassup? Milk me!  Hey, babe.  My barn. That's right, my barn.  You're late. Come on.  He's a real winner, that one.  Oh, stop. I think he's kind of cute.  Lay down in my Jacuzzi and get some bubble bath  Only sound you will hear is the beating of my heart  And we will mmm-mmm And have some sweet pillow talk  I'm Boombastic, really fantastic Mr. Boom Boom Boom Boom  Give it up for the one and only, Biggy Cheese!  We're gonna have some fun tonight, y'all.  Hey, Buck. Get your hooves off the stage. You ain't in show business. What, were you raised in a barn? Well, you're a good horse. Okay... What you looking at, Turkey? Somebody pass me the cranberry sauce. Dead turkey walking. We all gonna die, but we don't know the date. We know your date, Thanksgiving! Okay, to kick things off tonight, I got a special treat. Back by popular demand. Ladies, this one's for you. Our own Otis and the Crew! Well, down on the farm Where they all ask for you Parties all hours of the night. What is that farmer up to? You know what? -I'm gonna call someone. -Oh, leave him be. Well, I'll just call whoever I want, whenever I want to. That's exactly what I'll do. Because I know what a rave is, Mr. Lump. "I'm going to sit and watch TV and be a lump." Okay, Mr. Lumpy. It's just not right. They all ask for you They all ask for you Down on the farm They all ask for you I'll check it. It's all right. Calm down. It's just the pizza guy. I'm on it. Watch out. I got it. I got it. Pizza, pizza, pizza. Thanks. You want change? No, keep it. So, you really ordered a lot of pizzas. Well, yes. We're having a big human party. Just a party. A big one. With us celebrating our humanness. -Dude, I love parties! Can l... -No. Okay. Well, then, I'll see you. Ouch! My arm fell off. My fake arm, I mean. Wow, I am so sorry about that. -Do you need any help? -No, I don't like help. It's just against my religion. I'm a Nohelpian. Cool, I'm a Lutheran. What about this? You know what? You keep it. It's dirty now. Really? All right. Dude, I got a arm! Yeah! Righteous! Well, I won't back down No, I won't back down You can stand me up at the gates of hell But I won't back down Gonna stand my ground Won't be turned around And I'll keep this world from dragging me down Gonna stand my ground Good evening, ladies. Sorry to call on you so late in the evening, but we did have a previous engagement. Now, we're gonna take six of you. Anyone makes a sound, we don't mind the extra company. Boys, take your pick. You won't be taking any hens tonight. And you're gonna stop us? Is that what's gonna happen? Are you gonna stop us, hen? How are you gonna do that? No, he is. Ben. How are you, Ben? We would've said hello, had we seen you. Put the hen down, Dag. Sure, Ben. Whatever you say. We're just doing a little courting, that's all. You know how much we like the hens. You know me, ladykiller. You have us at a bit of a disadvantage here, Ben. There's six of us, and only one old, fat you. Oh, baby! Party time! Otis! Otis! Otis! Otis! It's Ben. Oh, no. No, no. Yeah. You hang on there, buddy. All right now, Otis. Just lift. Ten and two. Ten and two. Not like that. Now lift, and two. You dog! Come here, fisherman. What do we do now? Who's gonna protect us from the coyotes? Anybody got a pistol? Order, here! Hey, am I bothering you? Let's get this meeting started. -Duke, who's gonna run the meeting? -That's what the meeting's about. The meeting's about finding someone to run the meeting? Is that a good idea? We should take a meeting about it. Someone has to do this. We don't have Ben. Therefore, I would like to nominate myself. Dogs are... Listen to me. Dogs are watchful, they're loyal, and very protective. And they lick themselves. I don't want a leader who licks himself. -Me, neither. -That's nasty. I can't even reach mine. I don't do that. Anymore. One time, I was bored, lonely, and a little snackish. Yeah, I saw you drink out of a toilet once. -Hey, you drink potty water. -You drink potty water! My bowl was empty, my friend. Come on, we're getting off track here. Duke, with all respect, I think there are certain traits that would make you unqualified to be leader. Yeah, such as? Your point? Hey, come on, I do that for fun, not 'cause I have to. Go on! So, big deal. I fetch balls. One little flaw. This doesn't mean anything. All right, all right, let's take a vote. Come on, let's take a vote here. All those in favor of me being the new leader. Those opposed? -Can you see my hand? -Listen now, listen up. You all know that Ben always intended for Otis to take his place. All right, Otis is in charge. I second that motion. Sweet! Here we go. Try and catch me. Stay in line. Maddie, we don't want to lose you. Oh, I think that would be just fine. Oaty-oaty! Hey, Oaty! Hey, Maddie, now really isn't a good... What are you doing? Would you stop? Come on. Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys... -Oh, goodness gracious. -What is it? What is it? Otis, it's a madhouse! Isn't it just great? You got hit with a soccer ball. I thought I'd be the first to congratulate you, Otis. -You're in charge now. -I'm what? Miles, I am not in charge, okay? I don't do "ln charge". -This is not my responsibility. -I hear you. But you were elected fair and square. Congratulations, boss. Hey! Have you all lost your mind? It's daylight. The Farmer's gonna be back. This is so off limits. Come on, Otis, I know your weak spot. Wild Mike! -What? -Wild Mike. Wild Mike. Wild Mike. -Wild Mike. -I'm not doing this, okay? -There's no way this is happening. -Wild Mike. Wild Mike. -Everybody just get back to your... -Wild Mike. Wild Mike. -Return to your designated quadrants. -Wild Mike. Wild Mike. Wild Mike! Wild Mike! -This is ridiculous! -Wild Mike! I'm not gonna dance just because you're getting Wild Mike. -Pip, help me out here. -Wild Mike. Wild Mike. You can't fight it, Otis. You're a born party animal. Wild Mike! Wild Mike! Wild Mike! Wild Mike! Wild Mike! Wild Mike! Let's boogie! We're heading for the West Not heading for the East We're gonna live our dream 'Cause we're wild and free Look at that freaky thing. What kind of animal is that? I don't know, but he sure can dance. I say, let's kill it. Give me that piece of wood over there. Sweet legs! Get the sweet legs! I got the sweet legs! Moo? What did you do that for? What else was I gonna do? He saw you. You could have killed him! I got a pulse. Oh, this is bad. This is bad. This is so bad.