Emotional Blog

I read a blog on Glee Wiki, and it was so emotional! I almost cried, I swear.

In advance, I apologize for the fact that this blog has nothing to do with my fan fiction. I've just been a little down in the dumps lately and I just needed to get something off my chest and just needed someone to talk to. You've all been so supportive, just like New Directions, it's sort of like we're a family and believe me, I'm so happy for that. I just hope maybe you could all take the time out from your life that you would normally give my fan fiction and read this. I really need some friends right now.

A lot of people like Glee because of the story or the music, but when I say that Glee is my everything, I mean it. Glee saved my life. Literally. I've had a crappy past couple years and it was when I was at my lowest that I turned into the pilot episode of Glee and my whole life turned around. Glee has made my life bearable.

As a gay guy, I've struggled coming to terms with my sexuality. Thankfully, I haven't faced much animosity for it. But I'm so alone. Like really alone. I live in a small Southern US town and there aren't any gay guys around-- at least not any that aren't in the closet. Like Kurt, I feel alone and I crave that affection that comes with a relationship. But I've been single for the 6 years since I came out as gay. All but one relationship I've ever had was with a girl, so I've never really had a relationship that mattered. My only male ex spent most of our 2 weeks together in jail. We never even kissed.

I've struggled with body issues and feeling like I'm not good enough (a trait that I gave Jaxon, who by the way is the person I wish I could be). I've tried to commit suicide twice and I've had issues with cutting myself. Thankfully, I've recovered, but it's a part of my past I'm ashamed of. There have been so many nights in my life that I've cried myself to sleep and wished I was dead because I feel so alone.

All of the really good friends I've made, most of them have moved out of state. Despite promises that they'd keep in touch, most of them ever have. I have a few really good friends now, but I miss those who've moved on. I feel so lonely sometimes...until I turn on Glee. And it's like I'm in that choir room with this group of friend who know me, understand me, and are there for me. For that hour, everything in my life feels okay. I'm happy. If I didn't listen to Glee or watch Glee as much as I do, I know I'd go spiralling back into depression. Glee is the one thing in my life that keeps me sane. It's life my whole life is this big void and I've filled it with Glee.

Just here recently, there was this guy who was a neighbor of mine and we became real good friends during the tornadoes that ravaged Alabama. We were without power for a week (and I had to miss Glee for the first time ever)! To survive, we all banded together and cooked out over a fire. We became close friends and he kinda led me on. Told he he had been with a guy before and just did things to make me think he liked me. But he was from a really religious, strict (bordering on zealous and mean) family. I guess he was afraid of what his dad would say or do, so he just led me on without it going anywhere. And I liked him a lot. So one day, his fmaily moved unexpectedly with only one night to say good-bye to him, It broke my heart. I just feel like I'll always be alone cuz I can't meet a gay guy that's comfortable with being out.

I also, within a year, lost both my grandmother and grandfather. I was very close to both, but my grandmother was my best friend. I loved her more than anything. I remember that "Grilled Cheesus" aried during her falling ill and it hit really close to home (also because just like Kurt, I was the product of a single parent home and my mother spent two weeks on life support over heart issues). When Maw-Maw died, it was just such a blow. It was very hard to come to terms with. Glee was the one thing that got me through it because honestly, I wanted to go with her. I was so angry that God took her and left me here without her. Exactly six months after she died would have been her 96th birthday. I visited her grave and sat beside it and played Mercedes' version of "I Look To You" and told her everything I ever wanted to tell her and then cried my eyes out. No one in my life has influenced me moreso than my grandmother.

Glee has been the one good constant in my life through all the loneliness, pain, sorrow, loss, death, sickness, depression, fear, anger, resentment...if I had of never had Glee in my life, I don't think I would have ever stopped cutting or trying to kill myself. And that's hard for me to admit or say because so many people look down on you for that. But Glee makes me feel not so messed up and makes me feel somewhat happy. It gave me the strength and power to overcome that.

Here lately, I've just been feeling so alone and depressed again. Glee got kinda depressing there for a while "Mash-Off" was like the first episode for me in a while that felt happy and carefree for the most part. That dodgeball scene put a big smile on my face all night. I have only watched "Funeral" once...the original airing. Jean reminds me of my grandmother...I get depressed and cry. It's too hard to watch right now. Maw-Maw has only been gone just over a year.

I guess what I want to say is, I'm in a lot of pain right now. I feel so alone and lonely. I feel inadeqaute and unloved. But writing this fan fiction makes me feel a lot better. So thank all of you for the opprotunity to do so. When I write, the hole in my heart doesn't feel so big. Thanks for everything and thanks for being such good friends. I love you all. You're such amazing people.

